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1st May 2012

azriona6:24am: Jaw-dropping question about adoption
My husband linked me to advice column on Slate (because my husband likes reading advice columns, apparently) in which the first question is about adoption. Well, it's also about horribly rude and ignorant people, and adoption is the medium by which they express their horribleness and ignorance, but you get the drift.

[The Letter]
Anne and I have daughters enrolled in the same dance classes. We both often stay at the lessons and chat with other moms. But I've always gotten the impression that Anne doesn't like me. She never returns my greetings and often turns away from the conversation when I'm talking. Last week we were both walking to our cars, so I asked, "Anne, have I done something to offend you? I hope not, because I'd really enjoy getting to know you better." Anne turned to me and said, "I'm sorry, but I am against adoption. I believe buying children is ethically deplorable." She got in her car and drove off. I should now explain that I am white and my husband is black, so our daughter has darker skin than me. Since she's never met my husband, Anne assumed I adopted my daughter from Africa: I found her assumption to be DEEPLY offensive, because although my daughter is not adopted, I am. I'm pretty grossed out by Anne's judgment, but I don't know how to respond, or if I should even bother engaging such a narrow-minded person.

Anyway, as most of us are very much pro-adoption, I'm wondering how you guys would respond to such a statement? Me, I think the letter-writer was extremely lucky that Anne left immediately after her shocking statement, because it meant no response was necessary. Obviously, that's not always an option, and I think I'd have been shocked speechless and otherwise unable to reply except in starts and stutters. I'm guessing hitting her over the head with a two-by-four would not be an option, unfortunately.


1st April 2011

sourdick3:08pm: Youger vs Older // Local vs International
What are your personal experiences with adopting toddlers (18ms-3yrs) and older children(3-10 years old)? My partner and I have decided that we really would like to bring a child into our house filled with a lot of love (and cereal). I don’t feel any sort of biological urge to bond with a newborn and I know there are many older kids who need homes to go to.

However, everyone I’ve talked to about this, whether its friends, peers, or co-workers, say adopting older kids is fraught with problems. “They’re permanently damaged.” “They won’t bond.” “ It won’t be worth it. “

I can’t believe that any child over 3 or 4 would automatically have some sort of deep rooted psychological problem that would turn them into a caped vigilante when they become older. What’s your personal experience tell you about these situations?

Is it harder to adopt American and/or Canadian children than International children? I’ve looked at some of the paperwork provided by my local government, and it prices Russian adoptions at approximately 50 thousand dollars, but Haitian adoptions at 15 thousand dollars. Is that normal? It sounds racist, but I can see where “supply and demand” come into play (which is also incredibly sad). What’s your personal experience with “local kids” versus international kids?

Any tips? We’re just at the beginning of this journal, but I hope we can wade through these muddy waters towards our goal without too much difficulty and stress.

23rd April 2010

7rin12:33am: English Political Party Perspectives
Since there's all this pre-election bollocks going on, does anyone here have a clue what any of the parties stances are on the subject of adoption?

xposted all over the place

14th January 2010

iamdamanda9:19pm: Intro post

Just wanted to say hello.  I have a long history with adoption.  My brother was adopted from Korea when I was 11 years old and he was 4 1/2 months old.  He's now 22 and you can do the math on how old I am.  ;)

In adulthood, I worked the past couple years as a contract social worker doing home studies and post adoption visits for an agency that dealt primarily with domestic infant adoption, and has just started doing some international adoptions the past year or so. 

But I've recently left that position with the agency and I'm now beginning the process (with my husband and biological 2 year old daughter) of domestic infant adoption. 

Having been on the professional end of things and already having some personal experience, I'm fairly comfortable with the process itself, but I know I'll still have questions as we go along over the years, so I'm happy to have found this community.

13th January 2010

angelicvampyre8:57am: Thoughts on overseas adoption
Not sure if anyone here is adopted from overseas or has adopted from overseas but just wondering on input.

A friend of mine when to China a few years ago to teach english to kids waiting for adoption. She also teaches dance and well she has stayed. She works with a small group and most of the children they get in are female and are adopted to overseas couples (mainly USA). In the past year they have been getting alot of feed back with words like "Stolen" being thrown in. There is a large group that believe that allowing these children to be adopted to overseas non chinese couples is wrong that we are "stealing" these children and have even put it up as far as refering it to the "stolen Generation" in Australia.

I was wondering what your opinion on this is, as either someone adopted from another culture or someone who has adopted from another culture. My friend says that in the past two years there has only been 2 applications for chinese couples living in china to adopt a girl there has been about 7 for American/Chinese couples living in the states to adopt and the rest is non chinese couples living overseas. She firmly believes that if these girls are not adopted by non chinese couples then many of them would remain there for the rest of their childhood and then at 18 get kicks out with little to no skills to deal living outside an institution.

Her group does encourage the new parents to allow the child to still learn their native tounge, does not encourage name changes, encourages the children to do an exchange year (and helps set it up for them) when they are older eg, they spend 6 months to a year going to school in china when they are in their teens, they also encourage regular visits back to china and even chinese school for the children once inside the USA. They require all new parents to undergo Culture senativity training and if the parents can learn to speak Chinese that is held in high regards by their group.

They also adopt a large group of girls every year who have health issues that are easy but expensive fixs to non chinese couples and she also believes that if these girls where to remain then they would have complications from their illness and or never get the treatment that they get because they have been adopted.

I am really sitting on the fence on this issue, I have looked into overseas adoption (and most likey is what I will do if I can afford it) however this issue worries me. I was just wanting thoughts and opinions please or even links to blogs or websites that have information out how the person feels after they are adopted.

Thanks in advance.

12th January 2010

blubberfatality2:26am: Quick Note
Just wanted to write a quick note, I actually think this is my first post in here. We have been in the adoption process for about a year now and finally were matched with a birth mother very quickly over Christmas. Our son was born on Dec 28th and is a beautiful baby boy. If you are looking for a good agency I would go with Heart To Heart Adoptions out of Utah. We had great success with them and were very happy with the amount of emotional counseling/support the birth mother received through the process. Here is a quick snapshot our Andre, he is beautiful and we are so lucky and proud to be chosen to be a part of his life story! I am happy to talk with anybody about the whole process.

31st December 2009

kimberpotamus3:06pm: I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to post this but I figure this community might have more experience with this situation.

When I found out I was pregnant the man that I was seeing left me and decided that he didn't want to be apart of my daughters life. That's fine with me, I'm not going to force someone to do something they don't want to do.
While I was pregnant I started seeing a man that I've known for about 4 years. We've fallen in love, live together now and he sees Eden as his daughter. I has supported me throughout my pregnancy and he is listed on the birth certificate as Edens father as her biological father refused to sign it.

So here is my problem. How do I approach the subject of her fathers when she gets older? I'm not sure what to do, if I should say anything at all or how to even talk about it and when. One thing I'm worried about is not articulating it correctly, I don't want her to think my partner isn't her father because he is.

What would you do or what have you done?

25th October 2009

azriona9:26am: On Elephants and Eggs
I posted this at my journal in a locked post, but I thought it would be appropriate to post here as well, very slightly altered. I don't mean to be definitive or anything, but I do think it might spark an interesting conversation, so here you are.

I should note that the next waiting parent meeting, we're supposed to bring in children's books that discuss adoption. I'm just ornery enough that I'm tempted to bring in this one, to see if other waiting adoptive parents have the same reaction I do.


On Friday night, I babysat for some friends. As I was giving the baby (14 months) her bedtime bottle and rocking her as she fed, I happened to look at the bookshelf, because yay reading. One of the first books I spied was a copy of Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss. The same copy, in fact, that my husband and I had given the baby for Christmas last year. I hadn't read the book; I bought it because there was a sale on Dr Seuss and my husband had commented on how this in particular was his favorite book growing up.

So I started to read it as Julianne drank her milk. I don't remember reading the book growing up, and my mother when I asked her about it yesterday afternoon didn't particularly remember it either. So I don't know if it was ever in the regular rotation.

I had no idea what was in store.

On Horton, on Mayzie, and On Possibly Reading Too Much Into ThingsCollapse )

22nd October 2009

robokitty2:20am: an essay I wrote awhile ago and have been meaning to post
 She's just not that Into You:
My Unrequited Love Story

      My daughter, the person I love more then anything in the world, does not love me as much as I love her. In fact, for the first couple of years of her life, she didn't know my face from a strangers. I planned it that way, but it was still very hard to get used to.
 Someday, having a relationship with me will be important to my first born. It will answer key identity questions, even as simple as "who do I look like?". I do not pretend that this role is as significant to a child as the role of mother. In fact, I am more involved in the life of children I babysit occasionally. This is a painful reality for birth mothers that sometimes takes a long time to accept. After all, I chose the family who she calls her own. I did not wish for her to love someone else instead, but I understood it to be the sacrifice I was making for her over all well being. I think I assumed that having an open adoption, and at least getting to see my daughter and be a part in her life, would be enough to make me feel better when things got hard. I did not anticipate how it would feel to love her so much and not have that love returned.

     Post placement, I was so grateful to be included in my daughter's life. At visits, it was never hard to watch her with her adoptive parents.  It was, after all, the life I chose for her. Watching them as a family reassured me that I had made the right decision. I expected them to be the biggest part of her life, and for her to be the biggest part of their lives. Initially, my daughter was on my mind 24/7 and it was really nice to have that in common with them. Because I saw her parents role as directly replacing my own, it was fairly easy to adjust to the bond she had with them. It was much harder once I realized how many other people impacted my daughter's life who in my mind, didn't deserve her attention as much as I did.
     When my daughter was three months old, I was invited to her baptism. It was not my first visit, but it was the first time I met all of the people in my daughter's life outside of her parents and grandparents. Small talk with her family and friends turned out to be very hard. I had updates, pictures and visits, but compared to the amount of time I spent thinking of her, I barely knew her. I anticipated being less familiar with my child then the parents I had chosen for her, but at least they loved her every bit as much as I did. In this situation, I was surrounded by extended family members and friends, who felt far less emotional attachment to my daughter, but who got to see her more often, and knew more about her life then I did.  To my daughter's extended friends and family, she was cute and they were certainly excited for their friends, but to me, she was everything.  I tried not to stare at her as she was passed around the room, and tried very hard to participate in polite conversation with the other guests, but it was hard to take my mind off my beautiful daughter. I wanted to soak up every minute I had with her, but I worried that if people knew how much I loved her, they would be uncomfortable having me around. It was only natural for me to love her so much, but it didn't feel natural. I felt like a crazy person. I carefully watched what I did and said, fearing that someone would catch on that I still loved her like my daughter, even though she no longer needed or loved me. 

By the time we are adults, we understand our role in all different kinds of relationships with varying levels of intimacy.  We have also learned appropriate and inappropriate behavior for each role we play. In most cases, if someone is in love with someone who considers them a stranger, we believe that to be an unhealthy relationship. We might say that is not a relationship, but rather, an obsession. However, in the relationship between a birth mother and an adopted child, this is the natural relationship. We are not equipped with the social instructions that come with the role of "birth mother" so for women right after placement, this is a hard road to pave. It is a role that differs greatly from any other relationship in our life, and it requires tackling emotional obstacles that are very different from other forms of grief.  It is not about the loss of the person we love most, but the loss of the relationship with the person we love most, just as our love for that person peeks. 

     This unbalanced relationship is the reason placing a child for adoption is so hard. Of course I wanted all of this for my daughter: family, friends, and a normal life. I am glad that she doesn't need me, because it means that my plan worked. She is a happy, healthy beautiful young lady.  Her life is much bigger then I could have ever imagined, and sometimes I feel very far away. 
As she has gotten older, our relationship hasn't changed that much, but I feel much better. Accepting my role in her life was hard, but having lots of visits the first year definitely helped me feel out and practice my role in her life. Now, I can appreciate the love I have for my daughter as the gift that is, independent of reciprocated feelings.

22nd September 2009

fadeawaybabe12:04am: This all so new, exciting, and overwhleming...
I have no idea how you parents do it out there going through the process. My husband and I just got on the subject of adopting within the past week and I thought I would start looking at what are the requirements. First off it seems you have to be rich be an adopted parent! I want to know if it is possible to be adoptive parents with a fixed income such as disability? Why does adoption costs somewhat as much or more as fertility treatments? Also, is it possible to get a newborn child in the US? Were hoping for a girl that is asian just a preferance, but wouldn't mind adopting US children as well. So what are the things I need to know at first? Is healthcare issuses gonna be a problem with becoming parents? (My Husband has cogestive heart failure and I am bipolar.) What are some good websites to go to for adoption? We live in Sarasota, Florida if that helps any... Thanks for the help!

20th July 2009

amaryllis9:21pm: mod post
Sorry, all. I've been away from LJ for a while and just saw Jake's post. I thought briefly about deleting it, but to a certain extent I believe censorship goes against the spirit of online communities. If a post/comment sparks a healthy debate, then we our experiences are more enriched for it, particularly in an arena like adoption.

The fact that our members censured him so widely gets the point across very clearly that this is a safe place to seek positive support whether you are thinking about or are in the process of adopting; are a member of an adoptive family; want a broad spectrum of perspectives on the issues surrounding adoption. We do, in fact, have many members who are interested in adoption reform and have been able to share their thoughts in a constructive way. As an adoptive mother whose relatively easy adoption still pains me in many ways, I also think the adoption process and resources, particularly for post-adoptive families and birthfamilies, leave a lot to be desired. But clearly, Jake did not take this route. His point is taken, and he is welcome to continue watching this community, but his posting privileges have been removed.

As you have all noticed, this is a place for positive interaction, and anti-adoption sentiments are not welcome here.

Thanks. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

1st July 2009

ttingle11:16am: I'm not sure how to word this, really, or who exactly to address here? I'm sure this will turn out to be a big mess.
But, long story short, I'm due July 30th with a girl whom will be going to an adoptive family I picked out. In June 2008 I had my son, so birthing and such is all still very clear in my head.
I'm in the process of trying to put together some sort of birth plan. I have the medical stuff down already, now I'm worried about...well, everything else.
The adoptive mother will support me in any decisions I make.
I'm unsure of who to have in the room with me. Has anyone had both mothers in the room during delivery? I mean, obviously the birth mom has to be present, haha. I don't have any support. My mom will be flying in from England to help out on the 18th, but I don't think she'd be comfortable being in the room with me. Her awkwardness would make my anxiety go through the roof. I can't imagine being alone with just nurses and doctors though. And it would be ideal for the adoptive mom to hold her first, I think.
Figuring this out ahead of time is necessary, as they live 3 hours south of me, even further if I go into labor early.
When would she hold her? Before or after she's cleaned up? It's one thing to hold your child when she's full of your goo, what about someone elses? Or would that not even be a concern?
What about the cord? Who cuts it?
What about after the fact? How do things work out with baby and sleeping?
I don't think I'll feel comfortable spending any long amount of time with her in the beginning, I don't think I could handle it emotionally. Honestly, I've been trying to stay detached, which is strange and difficult when she's growing inside of me and is part of me. I think closeness and starting a bond immediately is very important for both the family and the baby.
I'm scared.
I suppose I'm looking for other stories and experiences, thoughts and advice, anything really.

10th June 2009

angelicvampyre2:41pm: Help Needed
Mods if this is not allowed then let me know.

Hi, I have been hanging around and thought I would introduce myself and also ask for help. I was 14 when my sister in law died two years later after a failed marriage to the nanny my brother became mentaly unwell and the family had two young children under the age of 4 to deal with. I am the youngest of 6 and none of my other brothers or sisters would take them on (they would take one but not both) my parents due to ill health where not seen as suitable so with some legal help I got adult status and was legally allowed to take both kids. The agreement was that I would co parents them with my parents and at the age of 18 I would take sole custody. A few things happened from there but it all worked out and now the youngest will be turning 18 next month. i raised these kids with the family involved and their father involved even when he met, married and started a new family with another younger lady.

At about 15 I was told I could never have kids but that never bothered me as I had my two as far as I was concerned. I also always thought that I could adopt. In the past few years I have looked into it but as an Australian and a single female I can't adopt. I am also an American and can adopt as a single women over there but that would involve moving back there and that is something I am not prepared to do.

In recent months I took part in a study and have discovered that I can in fact have kids (somewhere along the line my body got with the program) and now I am looking at having a child with a good friend as the father. Does anyone know of an LJ commuity that talks about alternative families?

Anyway thanks for any help in advance and also thanks for sharing your adoption stories with me/us. Maybe adoption is something I would still consider if the option ever becomes avaibale to me.

19th May 2009

katie84719:35pm: adoption attitudes
we are adopting not one but TWO special needs kids from Ukraine and looking forward to bringing them home. We are finding that most people just dont get it. they look at us as if we are from Mars. When we ask people to donate to help bring them home it becomes clear that sports and schools and the like are more important than the children themselvees. Has anyone else encountered this kind of attitude? You can see our kids at they are darn cute if I do say so myself. the reception received for our last adoption was COMPLETELY different. very supportive excited what can we do to help etc. We lived in another state then surrounded by colleagues and friends.

18th May 2009

ladyjaye11:35am: Introduction
Hi there, I’m Allie and I just joined this community because a few months ago my mother got word that one of my distant cousins had lost custody of his children. He has 5 girls and the youngest two are twins. One of his sisters has adopted the older two children. And the mother of the other three younger ones has lost custody of the girls twice; she’s on her third try right now to regain custody. Now my mother asked me if I wanted to try to adopt these children. Did we want to try and adopt them? Absolutely. And my mom said she’d help however she could.

A little more about me: I'm 34, a stay at home wife and step-mom to a 21 year old girl from my husband's previous marriage, a student of life, aspiring writer and and attempting to start up a small jewelry business. My husband is a 41, and recently graduated from Arizona State University (ASU). He plans to have a solid job by the end of summer and has several prospects. My husband and I have been together for more than 13 years, and married for 6 years. We’re non-smokers and neither of us have a criminal record.

We have always wanted to have a large family, but it never was in the cards for us. Several years ago I had medical issues that resulted in massive scar tissue that left me unable to carry a pregnancy. I had resolved myself to leave it in the Almighty’s hands and forget about it, if that’s ever truly possible. We’re family to these little girls and while we've never met them (we don't even know their names). Their grandparents are considering taking them in so as not to lose their grandchildren, but they are older and have raised their children and are not in a position to do so again. No one else has offered to potentially take in twin 1 1/2 year olds and their 3 year old sister for any number of reasons. But if we, my husband and I, raise them they will still be in the family and she won’t lose contact with them.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, or advice for me? So now it’s a waiting game. I want what is best for the girls, be it with their birth mother, with me and my husband or some other lucky individual who gets to watch them grow and care for them. I won’t kid you my heart leaped at the idea of adopting the twins, if not all three to keep the family together. It would be tight on the wallet, but they’d be loved beyond measure.

23rd April 2009

phogg11:25am: Looking for advice on adopting an older child...
I'm looking for some thoughts on the feelings that adoptive parents feel toward adoptive children.
My husband and I have two naturally born children of our own, aged 3.5 and 1. We know that we want to have more children and are interested in adopting an older child. Before we dive into the process, I have some concerns I'm hoping someone out there can address for me.

The first and foremost is love. I adore my kids. They're my heart and soul. I'm worried that if we adopt a child I won't feel the same for him/her and I don't know if that would be fair to that child. My husband feels that even if I didn't create that same maternal connection, the benefit we could contribute to that child... getting them out of the system, giving them a family and a home, providing a college education... would outweigh the potential inequality. I'm not convinced.
What are your experiences? If you already have birth children, do you develop that some connection with your adoptive child? If the connection isn't as strong, is it still worthwhile enough to that child to adopt anyhow?

I would really appreciate any words of advice that can be offered. Many thanks.

3rd March 2009

ktangel139:04am: Online Adoption Preparers
My husband and I have been looking to go forward with the adoption of my nephews and I've been in research mode trying to tie this all down. The boys have been living with us for over 2 years (and before that, with my parents).

I came across two websites that claim to prepare adoption forms for a much lower cost ($350 versus $2,000 for a relative adoption). However, I'm a little cautious just because I haven't heard any references from anyone and I don't want to mess up something as important as their adoption. It just personally doesn't make sense to be spending so much money on a lawyer when the adoption is uncontested and I've been raising these boys as my own already. All we need is the legal paperwork to give these boys some piece of mind that we aren't going anywhere.

I was curious if anyone has heard of these sites?? Or perhaps has worked with another adoption preparer??


Current Mood: curious

19th February 2009

prettyboicris9:09pm: Adoption Process Timeline
My wife and I are getting ready to get our home study. We have already taken the required classes in our state to adopt. I was wondering for those of you who have adopted domestically or through a foster care agency, how long was it between the time your home study was completed and the time that a child was placed in your home. Also another helpful bit of information for me to hear from those replying would be what age was the child when they were placed in your home as that can effect the time.

Thanks in advance

Current Mood: blah

3rd February 2009

moominmama4:40pm: Open Adoption Support redesign
I wanted to invite everyone to visit/join Open Adoption Support, which is a networking site for folks who are support or who are living open adoptions. The site is for all triad members and offers a blog, (which any member can post to), a messageboard and a list of Frequently Asked Question. Anyone can submit a question, which will be posted anonymously to the community and then people can weigh in on their thoughts.

There is no litmus test for openness at our site. Some of our members have no contact with their children's other parents (whether by adoption or birth) but they value openness and try to uphold this value as best they can. Others have to limit contact and set firmer boundaries and their input is important since most open adoption advice assumes a whole heckuva lot and isn't always useful in real life.

I'm an adoptive mom whose daughter came to us through an open adoption and I created the site about two years ago after interviewing Sharon Roszia and Brenda Romanchik who both lamented the dearth of post-adoption support for adoptive parents and first (birth) parents. I wanted a place where people could get advice from those who KNOW the value of openness and aren't just going to knee-jerk say, "Close the adoption" or "You need to move on."

Hope you'll come by and check it out and feel free to share the link to anyone who might be interested!!

We're also on twitter: and you can keep up with new posts there as well!


2nd February 2009

problematika10:05pm: Group for Roma (Gypsies) and part-Roma who were adopted
There's a new website and listserv for children (teens, probably) and adults who have Romani heritage and were adopted by non-Roma.

(There's a separate group for adoptive parents:

30th January 2009

fosadopmom12:31pm: Is there anyone here have adopted kids with RAD??

12th January 2009

16thcentmargot7:08pm: Intro post
Hi there!

I'm Krista, 31, and my husband Boe and I live in Indiana. We've been married 8 years, and have 3 cats and a dog. We're just beginning to dip our toes in the water, and we're going the foster-to-adoption route. Specifically, we're interested in adopting a child between 7 and 15. I'm excited, but completely frightened too. I've never been a parent before!

I'm a bit concerned about the homestudy...Boe and I do medieval and Renaissance reenactment, so our home contains weapons of the sharp and pointy sort (daggers, swords, arrows, that sort of thing). Will this disqualify us? Will they require some sort of safe or locker? Granted, the weapons Boe uses in combat are blunted and the rest are mostly wallhangers, but would such a hobby be considered too violent to expose children to in the first place?

Then there's my brewing equipment...and the 4 dozen bottles of wine in the basement. Do I need to give up my booze-making? Do I need to give up my booze? I can live without mead for a little while, but I would prefer not to. It makes excellent Christmas and birthday gifts if nothing else. *wink*

Does anybody else here have off-the-wall hobbies/alternative lifestyles that make agencies go "buh?". I need to know I'm not alone out here!
Current Mood: anxious

25th November 2008

elbiesee10:21am: Introduction post
Hi, I'm Elbie, and I'm a future adoptive mother.

There's a lot I need to do before then - graduate from college (I'm getting my Associate's in Business Administration in the spring and will probably work towards a Bachelors in the coming years), get a good, solid job, get a house, get married to my longtime BF sometime when we find a moment, and sign up to be a foster family. We really want to adopt out of the foster system, and are open to older kids. (If anybody has experience with this, let me know - I know there's risks, but the rewards are good too!) I think we're looking at a three-year timeline, so that leaves me plenty of time to get as educated as possible about the process.

I currently have a daughter, Mickie (as she's known online), from my first marriage. Seeing as my fiance is the only father she's known, he's wanting to adopt her when we get married. (She'll probably either abbreviate her last name or absorb her current last name as a second middle one - it's up to her. For an eight-year-old, she's incredibly clever.)

I know several people that are adoptive families - I currently work at a day care, and my bosses (a married couple about my age) adopted twins. They had them for a year, the adoption was finalized in late summer, and the twins are my best friends. I also work with a lady who, along with her husband, adopted five brothers (!!!) about five years ago. Three of them have developmental issues, but are working through them beautifully because of the efforts of their parents. So I'm very inspired.

I've enjoyed reading the posts here, and I hope to read more soon. I'll keep y'all posted on my own efforts, as well.


24th November 2008

suzermagoozer12:25pm: First post
Hi everyone!

My name is Susan, and my husband is Chuck. We are both 43 and have been married for 4 years. We have a geat marriage, a fantastic house we just bought this summer and a loving family. We decided in September on adoption...and I think part of me has been excited about this since childhood.

We've filled out all the paperwork, met with a social worker and a lawyer...and have selected Independent Domestic Adoption. We will be sort of 'marketing' ourselves and our story to our family and friends in hopes that someone will know someone who knows someone looking to place a child with adoptive parents. At the same time, our social worker and lawyer often get referrals from women's centers, doctors, places like that...and about 50% of the time, the adoptions start that way.

We did our background checks, done letters of reference, and we got letters from our physicians about our current state of health. We have scheduled our home study and one-on-one meetings with the social worker next month.

I suppose I worry that a birthmom will think we are too old (eventhough we are toooootally NOT old)...but we hope to build confidence with our personalities and our hopes/dreams for our child. I hope to connect enough with the birth family so we can build a connection that lasts.

It's all so exciting...and i have been trying to steep myself in the culture of adoption by reading stories and essays, mostly by adoptive parents.

thanks for letting me in the group, and I have enjoyed reading the last 20 posts...and I look forward to hearing more from you!

Current Mood: hopeful

17th November 2008

Sometimes, I wonder if the field I am working into is not the right one for me. I am so deeply, involved emotionally, when I am watching a young woman decide what to do with her baby. Parent... or loose her child to adoption. Both of these things tug at my heart strings. (I am not ignoring the other option... abortion does effect me emotionally, to a degree, but most women who choose this path don't seek the sort of help that would lead them to me). I am, by the way, Pro choice.
I am currently working with a woman who just placed and is grieving. Her parents tell her... "if you change your mind... it is okay". No, it won't be okay! It reminds me of how it feels. To hurt so badly by loosing the person you love more then anything... your love is instinctual, beautiful and overwhelming. If it is your first child, you have never felt anything like it before. You are hurting, but you know that you did the right thing. Because, you know that in this society, it is not true, that "all you need is love". Then, someone says, "If you changed your mind..." and suddenly, you realize how alone you are. Because you know they have no idea why you made that decision. It was not about what makes you happy.

I have been a wreck lately. I am dieting. I just lost my health insurance (because my dad is a dick) and have to pick up extra hours at cheesecake factory to qualify for their shitty, shitty benefits, because I do not work full time for Hillside and therefore do not qualify for insurance. A part of me likes waiting tables, because it doesn't matter. I do not take that work home with me.  On days when I am likely to cry if I spill milk (something that happens frequently at a high volume restaurant) I literally, cry for these mothers. I wish I didn't know first hand, how hard their decision is. I also think I am good at my job because I do.
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